Exerpt from Letter to Albresh Glariot.
Well, the missus and I took the flyvver to Vinalville up the A1. It’s a nice drive, charming countryside, rolling downlands, and the autumnal colors in the trees is breathtaking. Anyhow, her sister in Pufflumi was needing a visit, and I took the opportunity to check in on progress in the Northwest.
The report will be mixed at minimum I’m afraid. The Two divisions under General Pasteboard are sadly lacking. The 15th and the 6th exist in name only. The 1st Pufflumi Musketeers are housed in an old stone watchtower, I’d be concerned at the spartan accommodation's minuscule size, except the “Regiment” consists of exactly one company’s worth of men, and a small Machine gun section. The supply for the unit can afford 100 rounds per man, though how on earth they’ll move that copious superfluity is anyone’s guess as the single antiquated supply service truck is up on blocks in the parade ground due to lack of tires...a requisition that has languished in limbo for thirteen months it seems.
Colonel Warmwater assures me that it will be filled this week. Warmwater is hardly a source of confidence however. He drilled his “regiment” for me, a display worthy of a carload of clowns rather than the backbone of national defense in the North. Oppressorbad is laughing at us, and it’s no wonder that sources report trains and munitions being moved to Laducat and Bigdog… the invasion is coming Albresh, and it’s going to be a hurricane fended off with a paper fan.
The Snooty Zouaves were if anything, worse. They muster a whopping 8 men, 3 of them antiquated Pufflumi bankers so rotund they might best serve the state as a sort of meat fascine. They have MUSKETS, Alb, black powder muskets, and the armory includes age-of-sword helmets and pikes! What are they going to accomplish against a legion of Black Oppressorbad stormtroopzen; food for daisies I suppose?
The two “Regiments” of Lancers assigned to the 15th have exactly 2 motorcycles, four “training tanks” made of fabric and cardboard intended to be manually hoisted by it’s “crew”. And a 50 year old Goslow taxi converted to military use. I’m immediately sending letters to demand next weeks run of Lancer tanks be diverted North. And perhaps we can find at least ONE driver that’s used something more modern than the plow horse.
Did you know we had a Paratroop regiment in Pufflumi? Neither did Colonel Footfall, who seemed surprised at the notion that his 3 sergeants and underweight batman might be called on to jump out of airplane someday; though what airplane remains to be seen, as the craft assigned to the Regiment is a fabric biplane powered by what I’m certain is a motor removed from a kitchen mixer, and capable of barely hoisting the pilot and a passenger into the sky, given a few yards of runway, strong headwind, and no expectation to climb higher than the average house.
Colonel Brassboot’s 2nd Pufflumi Musketeers is the only bright spot in the Northern sector. Admittedly they are undermanned as well, but they can hold the old fort at Vindsoc, of that I’m certain. They muster almost a full battalion, and the Regimental Sergeant Major Brickthews is a paragon, his men are trained, competently trained. I wish they had material worthy of them. The fort is equipped with 40 year old mortars, massive, but dubious. They also have a beautiful 220mm gun captured from Gross Montaine in that unpleasant business 12 years back. It’s a marvel for it’s age and I think we should produce a few more examples to the same pattern for the 6th Division, which at the moment is using muzzle loading guns from the Saber and Saddle era. This gun and this regiment may be the key to holding the Coast here.
South of Rockrump is the General Slipshin’s 6th Div. I don’t think there are 40 men across it’s 7 regiments. Most of them manning the cannon of it’s two artillery regiments, It’s Dragoon tank regiment has 1, yes, a single one tank. And it’s the experimental one we were saddled with by the illustrious firm of Jackrabbit and Sons out of Gobsnoke. The troops use it to bake bread on hot days, and indeed it’s better fitted as an oven than as a tank.
Oh and the Materwich Lancers??? They Have Lances! No horses mind, just two superannuated mules, one old camel and a riding hippo named Corporal McBitey.